It’s Got Nothing to do with Me

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me
-John Mayer, “Daughters”

Yeah, I know, he’s singing about a girl with daddy issues, but I hear truth in that verse beyond what I know was the intention.  Aren’t we all a maze?  A puzzle to be ciphered?  Isn’t that what makes life interesting?  And when we bear our hearts and offer them up, bloody in our own hands, and are either rejected or deferred, in the end and at the core, that has nothing to do with us, the heart bearer.  Sure, maybe the intended recipient is scared of blood… but that is his fear, not mine.  Maybe he likes his heart a different shape or size, maybe he wants it to smell differently, or feel differently in his hands.  Maybe he just doesn’t like bloody hearts at all.  Again… his preferences, his desires, his whatever…. and that has “nothing to do with me”.

A dear friend of mine, my karaoke buddy with a voice like an Angel*, and I shared a discussion about something we both came to separately, from different angles, both at times we weren’t exactly looking for the message that was delivered.  Her message of “letting go” came from a pastor during a pool-side sermon and mine from a yoga instructor during practice, but we both felt so much lighter and free when we realized the liberation that can come from letting go of control.  And John Mayer’s words are just one more facet to the on the marquis cut gemstone of freedom.  If Mr. Possbilities** appreciates the heart I’m offering, then he has amazing taste.  And if he doesn’t, it has nothing to do with me.  His choices, his predilection, his say so do not dictate my worth.  I am as stunningly intelligent, curiously creative and commonly adorable regardless of his wants.  But I don’t know what he wants yet.  At this point, I’m not even sure that he knows I’m out here on his step with my heart beating in my bare hands waiting for him to invite me in.  But since I’m ridiculously patient (to a fault) in these matters, I’ll stick around here for a while until I can reason it all out.

And I’ve reasoned this much so far… there are three possible conclusions.  He will notice that I’m waiting here and smile, taking me in his arms to let me know he’s been waiting for the best opportunity to reveal his feelings to me.  Or, he’ll notice me standing here and tell me he’s not buying what I’m selling.  At which point, I’ll need to pack my heart back in its box (I’m not sure it knows how to live in my chest anymore) and head home to regroup.  Or, he’ll never look out the window.  And that last possibility is likely the most daunting.  The unknown is the most uncontrollable as it breeds more monkey mind and possibilities  For that reason, I’ve given the entire circumstance an expiration date.  I have it in my head the date by which I must have answer.  Of course when the answer is a hug that means more than any hug we’ve ever shared before, I’m throwing that date out.  If I learn before then that I’m barking up the wrong tree, I won’t linger until that date either.  But if all that remains are possibilities by *** **, 2014 (sorry, I have to keep some things to myself – you know at least it is before the year is over), I will choose to turn the page.  I’m not going to allow myself to repeat history and hold out hope for something for years that never happens.  But I’m also not willing to run away when I’m even sure I’ve really knocked on the door yet, and even if I did, did he hear it?  And other than the fact that I’m standing here right now, it’s got nothing to do with me.

My Dysfunctional Love Life reminded me that we’re all writing our own stories, all working to pen our perfecting ending, putting us arm in arm with our perfect match.  I don’t want to be that character in the novel you read that makes you want to bang your head against the wall because I can’t see the writing on it.  I’m not writing still life anymore.  Even my friend Angel, told me Saturday the thing that finally knocked my out of the seemingly infinite loop of The Man Who Never Loved Me Back*** a year or so ago was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It was an interesting and appreciated perspective.  Is that where this entire ball started to roll?  The ball where I start to find out who I am?  Or did it start even before then in quiet ways that I never even heard?  And as I continue on the path, will I be able to look back and see more beacons that I initially passed by without noticing?  The thing I can be sure of at this point is that I am enjoying the journey.  And I’m even more grateful for those who here to join me in my travels.

Angel* – a married with children teacher who is totally realistic and honest, amazing and beautiful, intelligent and talented who I am blessed to call my friend.

Mr. Possibilities** – the current object of my affections – and that is all that I’m saying about that.

The Man Who Never Loved Me Back*** – those words tell you everything you need to know.

Alone

For years, I have said I was okay alone.  And while at the heart of it, everyone is “okay”, it was a white lie I was telling myself.  A protection of sorts from a hurt that should have been long forgotten.  But it had not been forgotten.  Instead, it had been buried and skewed, like a splinter that had worn too deeply into the skin.  As long as I didn’t touch it, I didn’t even realize it was there.  But it very much was, no matter how hard I sought to deny it.

It is this splinter that has likely shaped most of my adult life.  Without my knowledge or consent, it had cast a shadow on my being.  And it kept me stuck in place.  As one who knows a lot about physical pain, sometimes the best way to avoid feeling it is to remain stationary.  But as with physical pain, when often times the best thing to do is to get up and move around, so had that been the way to rid myself of the emotional pain which has been plaguing me.  It has been in seeking answers to other questions that I have spontaneously discovered the heart of the matter.

An ultimate betrayal.  Of someone who I thought would be in my life forever.  And I’m not speaking romantically.

And if someone that close can cut you that deeply, how can you ever trust again?

Especially when you deny the fact that you were ever in that much pain in the first place.

And if you can’t trust, how can you really form any meaningful relationships?

Luckily, I have.  I can name a handful of people who are incredibly important in my life – likely more so than the even realize.  Some of whom have come into my life recently, others who have been around for a very long time.  Some I see often, and others not often enough.  And while my circle of friends is amazing, it isn’t often I let my guard down to fully let anyone in.

When you keep people at arms length, when you act invincible, when you try to be the one who is always there but never needs anyone to be there for you, you miss out on the beautiful depths of human relationships.  And it has been recently observing parts of my circle stand beside another friend who was very much in need that I have realized what I really have as well.  And while if I could, I would wish all his pain away, I know that experiencing the process has opened my eyes. I know that I could be held up if I needed it.  And I know that along the way, I have been held up, even if all parties had been unaware of the support.

It has been this wall that has likely kept me alone.  It is the reason that I have held onto a “love” for someone who doesn’t love me back in the same way.  It is the reason why I have not successfully met anyone to love.  The reason why all the internet “dating” and trying to meet someone any other way has ultimately failed.  The reason why I can’t even trust myself because I haven’t been able to be honest with myself.

In the past few months, I have actively been on a quest for the key to unlock my heart.  Only, I didn’t realize what I had been questing for.  What I sought was peace.  And my journey started with Reiki training, which was amazing and wonderful and opened my life to wonderful, supportive, insightful people.  It has included yoga practice, which was initially only for the physical benefit, but has proved to have a holistic effect as well.  And I have been lead to the words and stories shared by others.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And while these are words that I have known for what seems life forever, it can be so easy to forget to just trust.  Especially when trust is what you’re lacking in the first place.

Thanks to a yogi under whom I practiced a month or so ago, I have been actively working to let go out anything I don’t need.  Things I don’t need:  so much stuff (tangible) in my life, excess noise in my head, anger, jealously, the need to be heard by people who don’t really matter, excess weight, pain (physical and emotional), the need to be liked.  And in putting down the things I do not need, I have found new, wonderful things to replace them.  I’ve found a voice that I didn’t realize that I had — though it has been a process to learn how to use it tactfully.  I’ve found a drive to succeed and a way to make it happen that I didn’t know was possible.  I’ve opened myself enough to allow new-ish individuals to come into my life to make a positive impact.  And I’ve found gratitude, probably the most important part of the entire journey.

On Saturday night, I had a dream that made everything become very clear.  That brought me a conclusion that I had not previously allowed myself.  I bid her “goodbye” and “good luck” and reminded her that I loved her — which I now realize that in terms of love – I probably still do.  And while I’m not ready to seek her out and tell her face to face that I forgive her — and I may never be — I know that I now can and that act of forgiveness may be the key to everything.  That realization that you can love someone who hurt you, you can wish them well and you can let them go, brings the rest of the picture into focus.  I know that that splinter that I had tried to erase the knowledge of has been liberated.  The wound can now begin to truly heal.

And I also know that all along, I have been okay “alone” but I have not really been alone.  That amazing group of people I mentioned, they really have been an amazing touchstone – and possibly far underutilized.  And I know going forward, if I need someone to hold me up, accessing them is not a sign of weakness.  Humans are social animals.  We truly do need each other.

And now that I am free from what had been holding me back, I hope that means I can now be open to recognizing that potential soul mate that I have been waiting for.  Or maybe that I have been missing the whole point all along.  I’ve previously looked at myself as a puzzle piece, looking for the single other piece to complete me.  Most puzzles have very many pieces, not just two.  And I think I can finally see that all of those people who are in (and have been) in my life are the pieces that make my puzzle the work of art it truly is.  I don’t have all the answers yet, but I am grateful for the opportunity to better understand the questions.

 

Jesus Died Today

“But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” – Relient K

I’ve started this blog a million times.  And for whatever reason, I always end up stalling out of the gate.  Why would I think that this time is any different?  Because I am.

“I’m giving up on doing this alone now cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how.” – Relient K

And from the title of the blog and choice of quotes I’ve sprinkled so far, you may be thinking that I’m different because I fell to my knees and prayed the sinner’s prayer and found God.  But that isn’t quite it.  I’ve always known God.  I have always had a personal relationship with Jesus – though it may not be the exact version of someone else’s Christianity.  I am and have always been a Christian.  But the journey I have embarked upon has opened my mind and heart in wonderful, beautiful ways is entirely spiritual.

“I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.”  -Relient K

I was stuck inside a rut.  And while I cannot pin point where the exact inception of that was the downward spiral that that rut ended up becoming, I can identify a few significant events (stay tuned for future blogs) that cemented me in a place that I didn’t belong.  But even with that identification, I did nothing about it.  I just laid down and let the world go by, occasionally finding the sun, occasionally some mud, but never doing anything to build myself a ladder out.  I lamented my weight, my job, my singleness.  Sure, there have been many diets experimented with, various exercise regiments attempted, a few pounds lost or gained here or there, but it seemed that was part of my rut.  Professionally, I thought my rut was over two years ago when I found that full time job with a good company that I thought I had wanted so very much – until I realized that I wasn’t any happier, I just had more stuff.  And romantically — well, I’ve continued to be disappointed.  I didn’t want to get to this place.  It was such a gradual decline, I didn’t even really realize I was there.  I did know that I still wasn’t happy.

“I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.”  -Relient K

And while Relient K is specifically saying that God holds the key – and I fully believe he does – I needed to turn the lock.  And what I realized is that key wasn’t the perfect diet, job or boyfriend.  And it wasn’t even the perfect me.  It was a content me.  That in order for the rest of my life to make sense, I needed peace inside of me.  The Bible tells us that the peace of God passes all understanding.  And I embrace that with all of my being.  Until I could forgive myself, be kind to myself, quiet my monkey mind and accept myself, I can’t turn the key.  I couldn’t find peace.  But through letting go of my anger and fear, I have been able to be quiet and see the guideposts laid out for me.  Granted, this journey is new.  And much like finding the rut, I didn’t even realize at the time that I had stumbled onto the beginning of something amazing.  It isn’t an overnight miracle.  I still hate my job… and need to lose weight… and would love to find a special guy.  But I’ve also realized that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need to be a size 2 to be happy.  I don’t need to win the lottery (wouldn’t it be nice, though).  And I don’t need a ring to prove I’m not alone.

“All I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me.”  -Relient K

By realizing that, I found that what I saw as inadequacies were not the important part of me, With that realization, I’m beginning to see them fade away.  I have a realistic plan to make my professional life much more comfortable within the next year.  I’m approaching the health issue from a place of curiosity and mindfulness rather than a place of desperation.  And Mr. Soul Mate?  I’m confident he’s out there.  And if he isn’t, that’s okay, too.  What this journey so far has taught me is that the journey is what it is about.  There are many interesting things on the path from A to B, but before I didn’t see that because I was only concerned with arriving at B.  Now I’m watching for those guideposts.  And my journey is going to be filled with friends and yoga and Reiki and nature and meditation and food that is fuel (and I’m sure some that just tastes good) and learning and listening and many things I haven’t even discovered yet and radiating love.  Jesus said that love was the greatest commandment.  And those words truly are the light in my lighthouse.

But what is good about Good Friday?

On this symbolic day of Jesus’ death, I share with the world that the old me has died as well.  Jesus had to die in order to save the world.  I can only save myself.  And I can only do that with a lot of help.  But I am going to enjoy the journey of my own rebirth. I hope you do, too!