Jesus Died Today

“But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” – Relient K

I’ve started this blog a million times.  And for whatever reason, I always end up stalling out of the gate.  Why would I think that this time is any different?  Because I am.

“I’m giving up on doing this alone now cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how.” – Relient K

And from the title of the blog and choice of quotes I’ve sprinkled so far, you may be thinking that I’m different because I fell to my knees and prayed the sinner’s prayer and found God.  But that isn’t quite it.  I’ve always known God.  I have always had a personal relationship with Jesus – though it may not be the exact version of someone else’s Christianity.  I am and have always been a Christian.  But the journey I have embarked upon has opened my mind and heart in wonderful, beautiful ways is entirely spiritual.

“I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.”  -Relient K

I was stuck inside a rut.  And while I cannot pin point where the exact inception of that was the downward spiral that that rut ended up becoming, I can identify a few significant events (stay tuned for future blogs) that cemented me in a place that I didn’t belong.  But even with that identification, I did nothing about it.  I just laid down and let the world go by, occasionally finding the sun, occasionally some mud, but never doing anything to build myself a ladder out.  I lamented my weight, my job, my singleness.  Sure, there have been many diets experimented with, various exercise regiments attempted, a few pounds lost or gained here or there, but it seemed that was part of my rut.  Professionally, I thought my rut was over two years ago when I found that full time job with a good company that I thought I had wanted so very much – until I realized that I wasn’t any happier, I just had more stuff.  And romantically — well, I’ve continued to be disappointed.  I didn’t want to get to this place.  It was such a gradual decline, I didn’t even really realize I was there.  I did know that I still wasn’t happy.

“I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.”  -Relient K

And while Relient K is specifically saying that God holds the key – and I fully believe he does – I needed to turn the lock.  And what I realized is that key wasn’t the perfect diet, job or boyfriend.  And it wasn’t even the perfect me.  It was a content me.  That in order for the rest of my life to make sense, I needed peace inside of me.  The Bible tells us that the peace of God passes all understanding.  And I embrace that with all of my being.  Until I could forgive myself, be kind to myself, quiet my monkey mind and accept myself, I can’t turn the key.  I couldn’t find peace.  But through letting go of my anger and fear, I have been able to be quiet and see the guideposts laid out for me.  Granted, this journey is new.  And much like finding the rut, I didn’t even realize at the time that I had stumbled onto the beginning of something amazing.  It isn’t an overnight miracle.  I still hate my job… and need to lose weight… and would love to find a special guy.  But I’ve also realized that doesn’t matter.  I don’t need to be a size 2 to be happy.  I don’t need to win the lottery (wouldn’t it be nice, though).  And I don’t need a ring to prove I’m not alone.

“All I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me.”  -Relient K

By realizing that, I found that what I saw as inadequacies were not the important part of me, With that realization, I’m beginning to see them fade away.  I have a realistic plan to make my professional life much more comfortable within the next year.  I’m approaching the health issue from a place of curiosity and mindfulness rather than a place of desperation.  And Mr. Soul Mate?  I’m confident he’s out there.  And if he isn’t, that’s okay, too.  What this journey so far has taught me is that the journey is what it is about.  There are many interesting things on the path from A to B, but before I didn’t see that because I was only concerned with arriving at B.  Now I’m watching for those guideposts.  And my journey is going to be filled with friends and yoga and Reiki and nature and meditation and food that is fuel (and I’m sure some that just tastes good) and learning and listening and many things I haven’t even discovered yet and radiating love.  Jesus said that love was the greatest commandment.  And those words truly are the light in my lighthouse.

But what is good about Good Friday?

On this symbolic day of Jesus’ death, I share with the world that the old me has died as well.  Jesus had to die in order to save the world.  I can only save myself.  And I can only do that with a lot of help.  But I am going to enjoy the journey of my own rebirth. I hope you do, too!

 

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